i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
