I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Found the puke drawer
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
