I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
