I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
