It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
