i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
