if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
