I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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