I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
