My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
