Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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