we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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