I am spending my child support on dildos
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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