I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I did not marry a roomba.
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