Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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