She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
