do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
