Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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