when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
