conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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