Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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