My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
