he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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