I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
