bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
