i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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