Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
