there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
