my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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