Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
