I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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