i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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