Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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