Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
