Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
