guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
