My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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