I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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