we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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