if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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