I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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