i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
