Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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