On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize