You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
