she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
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