Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
