Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
how does that bad decision feel?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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