I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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