Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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