Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
