this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
