my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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