true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
