my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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