just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
