Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
