I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
