So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
