Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
being pregnant is like rehab
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
