If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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