So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
