ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
